Pile of Stones

Martin Luther Quote

2006-11-16T01:01:00.000-08:00

"The kingdom is to be in the midst of your enemies, and he who will not suffer this does not want to be of the Kingdom of Christ; he wants to be among friends, to sit among roses and lilies, not with the bad people but the devout people. O you blasphemers and betrayers of Christ! If Christ had done what you are doing who would ever have been spared?"

Cool Press for RYAA

2006-09-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last three weeks volunteering for Ravenswood Youth Athletic Association. After many calls to newspapers and emails to editors, we lucked out with a great article in the San Jose Mercury. You can read it here. Hopefully I'll be able to reflect on my time further on Pile of Stones.

I stray. You remain.

2006-06-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

I stray. You Remain.

Draw me back to life with You.

I worry. You trust.

Teach me the providence of your kingdom.

I forget. You remember.

Remind me of Yourself every day.

I doubt. You are.

Give me what I need to seek you.

I usurp. You own.

Break my self-sufficiency.

I posture. You are.

Show me the path of a servant.

I lie. You speak.

Grant me secutiry and courage enough.

I avoid. You act.

Send Your Spirit before me and with me.

Holiness

2006-05-30T02:59:00.000-07:00

DRAFT - to be updated. If you have comments or suggestions, please share.

I know that I depend upon myself too much—I am confronted by that fact when my sinful behavior is not a cleavage from my normal way of living. It gives proof to the fundamental divorce between my lifestyle and how I want to live—in utter dependence on Jesus.

Holiness, what is it? I am averse to reliance on a simple definition, being “good,” but perhaps there is substantial truth in such a concept, and I'm just prideful. My conscience may be simple, but if obeyed, it probably would help me along. After all, I can discern when I don’t do the right thing, and that small voice probably comes from good inputs in my life.

Holiness produces good things in community, (2 timothy). When we rightfully care for ourselves and for others, things seem to work well. Even the tough times become easier and more bearable when we do life in a Holy way. He who designed us knows our situation, and the proscriptive standard He calls us to is good for us. To avoid legalism, we might have lost the blessing that right living is. Holy living, however, is not an easy thing. I know that I need tremendous help from God and others to even have a chance at it.

I think it is GK Chesterton who said something to the effect of 'within safe boundaries, good things run wild.'

My point, I guess, is that we should not give up in our quest for Holiness. The prideful neglect of pursuing holiness is not a celebration of our freedom in Christ. I believe in my life it has hampered growth and caused many doubts. Striving to be Holy is a gift that God gives us; if we scorn it, we lose a secure base for further spiritual exploration. Perhaps much of the current spiritual experimentation in Christianity today is a response to the Church's drift from emphasizing holiness (although I'm not saying it's bad). Christians find their faith inadequate and seek relevance and connection in other ways. Maybe a large obstacle is sin. Or perhaps it is loss of a holy mindset--one that values integrity and a God-like perspective of moral consequence.

DRAFT

There is no hope

2006-05-24T00:58:00.000-07:00

A poem. Written in a dark hour of self-doubt and hopelessness.

memory forms,
like old, rechargeable batteries--depleted,
replete with shells of formal chemical/kinetic expenditures
that impede.

(or at least haunt me as I wander distractedly,
bounded by fearful self-deception.)

The lust for connection to relevance
hangs like a familiar scent to be triggered
by secure-base exploration, retreat, or reflection.

"I've been here before! Wow!" exclaim they.
Pity, since I've been there, too, and remember
only dissatisfaction and unfulfilled advances--
real or fearfully dreamed and repressed,
once merely unsatiated, now unappetizing.

the stench of dissapointment--
why undertake anything?

(because) I'm afraid the stink may permanently attach itself to me.

Celtic Book of Prayer

2006-05-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

The Celtic Book of Prayer is great!

Full title:

Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings From the Northumbria Community

More thoughts to come.

College Life and Spiritual Growth -- Secret of the Easy Yoke

2006-05-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dave Bazan, when he performs "Secret of the Easy Yoke" (quite possibly my favorite song, although The Beatles's "Something," Switchfoot's "Love is the Movement," and Tupac's "I Wonder if Heaven Got a Ghetto" all vie for that honor) adds a couple lines at the close of the song that aren't in the recorded version. After describing alienation from organized religion and desperation at not finding God in the bulk of the song, the narrator receives a wonderful response. He hears, "Peace, be still," presumably from God. Whereas the song originally ended at that point, on a hopeful note, the lyrics that Bazan adds return to the narrator. He cries, "For a moment I'm alive again. But now I need it all the time." The response from God was sufficient for a moment only.

I have experienced that same dependence. After tasting Living Water and Holy Bread, all else fails, remaining insipid and frightening. I don't claim to be in perfect union with God, but from even a drop on my lips I am ruined. I now find that my daily walk with God is necessary for my mental health. Without that linchpin, everything self-destructs. I have the sinking impression, regrettably, that God won't endlessly give me that feeling. Since he knows what is best, I obviously don't need it all the time.

Will that be my easy yoke, then? Do I wait for more Water and do my best to stay receptive? Why is it so easy to return to other streams? Why do so many appear to never find it?

Perkins

2006-04-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

Quite a fun afternoon. It's a shame it came the weekend before finals so I was basically frantic.

He shared a number of deep concepts.

I was intrigued by his critique of big regional churches (I attend one). He pointed to the situation where individuals and families travel from their community to a church where they satisfy their religious obligation. Their spiritual capital is spent away from where they live, thus impoverishing their local community. One of John's big tenets is Church based community development.

College Life and Spiritual Growth

2006-03-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

Life at Stanford is full of business. I am often frustrated by the lack of spiritual growth and any consistent diversification of my beliefs--I seems to frequently learn new and exciting things, only to have them fade in the face of midterms.

The spiritual goal of college, then, might be the planting of seeds that can sprout fully afterward. Upon graduation, I hope to find greater time to consider my relationship with Jesus, and more importantly, I hope to possess the flexibility to hear the word of God and DO IT. It should be a relief to anyone working with college students in a ministry context that lessons and wisdom poured into students will be stored for later employment.

The danger, however, is illustrated by Jesus’ parable of the sower. How many Christians have their seeds stolen by crows of success or relationships or selfish workaday drudgery? Seeds of truth are stilted in isolated, suburban (ooh, controversial) lives and the fruit is not there or is bittersweet. What if I want a mango?

Perhaps I am overly cynical, but I observe many Christians for whom the abundant life proves elusive, even something to be expected post-mortem. And I imagine that numerous Christians have an emperor’s new clothes experience when it comes to the manifestation of God’s promises in their lives; I know I have.

My thoughts, therefore, vacillate between the question “why is this so hard—is the easy yoke a joke or do I just not get it even though I want to?” and the statement “thank you Jesus for being with me through this.” It’s funny. As I come to depend more on Jesus and reduce the other crap that formerly placated me, I need him more. After all, I have condemned the other options and experienced their futility.

My Website is Up!

2006-02-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

My New Website

I didn't want the other Nathan Aleman that has emerged on the Web to beat me to it.

It is pretty much as poorly updated as this blog.

The best that I can

2006-02-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

You really can only do the best that you can with what you have.

Regret is looking back and having the sinking feeling that you didn't. But is that possible? Don't we all just try to make the most of our hand? Do we ever choose to screw it up? Maybe, maybe not. There's a dangerously deterministic line of thinking floating beneath the surface here somewhere. But if you don't know better...

Somehow God is big enough to operate through the whole process. That I believe.

But somehow, my own pride factors in. I can easily see how God can use my good Christian behavior--when I'm diligent, disciplined, holy--but what about when I am a shit? How can he use that? I'd much prefer to think that my utility is somehow my responsibility or that I deserve it when I can manage to be effectively better than others through my spiritual merit.

When I suck, it sucks, though, because then I see myself as completely undeserving. And when I percieve my own righteousness, I probably disqualify myself anyway.

Of course God is big enough. Grace is He doing what I cannot. I need his Grace in all my undulations. And His will is strong enough to pierce my life history, regardless of if I did the best I could.

Power for Living II

2005-10-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Here is a prayer that truly was the cry of my heart a few weeks ago:

LORD,
I've cut away all the things on which I relied.
I've only one string left; I hope it holds.
(Because) if you don't show up, I will be all alone.

You and me, we are past my salvation, past what I know and believe.
What matters now is the life I will lead.

If you are not real, it will not work.
Should you not come, I probably would still believe in you,
but you would become a falsehood, a small lie nestled near my heart.

LORD,
I believe in you,
and I know that I need only wait and you will come in your Glory.
But it's hard to wait; I don't always know if I can.
But I will try. I will try.
What else can I do?
I don't really have other options--we've seen to that.

LORD,
You are my Good Shepherd.
You will watch over me and you will lead me to good things.
I love you.

Power for Living

2005-10-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am not always entirely convinced that the Christian life is the best one out there, mostly because it's hard. Life is tough. My naivete has passed, it seems, but I don't know if I enjoy the amount of thought necessary in my newly contemplated life.

How will I live? That is the question that haunts me presently. There are so many unknowns, and it's hard to know how to trust Jesus. I think I'm trying though.

God is good...

but it is incredibly easy for me to forget that truth. I don't think I am very good at trusting Jesus. I think that I need to be shown how, because figuring it out might be difficult; I've tried to 'figure it out' for my whole life. It's not intuitive for me, I guess.

But who will show me? Jesus himself? Or someone else?

On a somewhat related note, I have decided that personal spiritual growth is much more difficult than striving toward righteousness in a community. I need a community that will push me strongly toward holiness and towards a greater implementation of God's love in my life.

The Search for Significance

2005-10-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

We are all in a search for significance. So many things have eternal consequences so we pursue them in that light. The essence of created things is apparent, and humans will pursue relevance at any cost. For example, a woman's body is incredibly profound. Men will try to latch onto the significance found there (apart from horny compulsion). There is significance to be found in excellence and in mediocrity. I think people pursue both very strongly at times, hoping to discover that they are not as insignificant as they know they are.

Very platonic thinking, indeed.

We are all created to serve something, Jesus recognizes this when he proclaims we cannot serve God and mammon.

Wisdom and Righteousness

2005-07-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

I recently heard a sermon by a New York preacher from Redeemer church. I'll add his name later.

He had some cool ideas about Shalom, wisdom, and righteousness. Shalom is peaceful, constructive interdependence. It can be viewed as a tapestry of humanity, where no one is in need, and equality is the tendency. In that way it is more than peace. It is not a ceasefire, it is love and reconciliation, the destruction of spatial segregation. It is people not acting in their own self-interest.

I found his idea of shalom to be consistent with what I learned in my Stratification class. The perpetuation of inequality and unjust patterns of society does not require the overtly malicious actions of evil-doers. It merely requires individuals, families, churches, to look out for their own selves. That is injustice, being self-centered. That is what unravels the fabric of society and disrupts shalom.

Wisdom is understanding this reality and acting accordingly: making your own life into an integrative force that restores the fabric. Jesus' incredibly scandalous, inclusive love falls into this reality.

Righteousness then, is acting in Wisdom. It does not mean avoidance of alcohol and cleansing a salty mouth, nor does it mean avoiding premarital sex. Righteousness is strength; it is living your life Wisely. Righteousness, of course, is not possible without God's grace, and there is a transactional element to it--Abraham's faith was counted to him as Righteousness--but the message we need to hear is that righteousness involves the Way more than the Truth and the Life.

Justice and Fatalism

2005-07-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

I think that my present theology is in many ways a reaction to what I do not want my theology to be rather than a positive belief system about who Jesus was and is. I want to be counted among the Martin Luther King's and not the establishment that told him to stop rocking the boat. There is a fatalistic strain in Christianity that I don't like at times. It surfaces in our preocuppation with trusting God's purpose for every circumstance; perhaps it's the extension of Calvinism that we have inherited.
As an aside, I do not believe in strict Calvinism for two main reasons. It distorts biblical truth in the same way that a two-dimensional map of the world must be distorted--we are incapable of understanding dual parts of God's character at the same time, but nevertheless intend to. Therefore, we end up with a distorted, albeit logical, understanding of God's will. Predestination, the same as determinism, simply rings false in the scope of our every day existence. I perceive my choices every day as my own. I get up, shower, and put on my clothes. I decide to die to myself and love my neighbor--by God's grace of course (whatever that means, not to be distracted, however). That realm of everyday life was the one that Jesus described. He did not give us unuseful theology; he showed us how to live. Our theology should flow from that life. I believe it to be very much a act first, ask questions last style of life. Although Jesus welcomes our insecure questions.
We talk endlessly of "how things are meant to be," but we contrast that idea with "how things are." Which does God really want?! We easily switch back and forth as it proves our point. Men and women are different; it's how God designed us. Men and Women are meant to communicate more easily than they do; problems arise from sin and inherited faulty design. But where do we draw that line? And how? This example is on an individual scale; how does it equate with more global issues of injustice.
Basically, my reactionary theology is this: I refuse to believe in the "dominant ideology." I don't want the theology that tells people to be content with their station to be mine. I do not want the "opiate of the masses" (to quote Marx too much already). I want the Salt and Light of the earth.
I realize now that my references to injustice are not complete. I will return to those ideas soon, hopefully.

Discipline Part I

2005-07-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

I still have hopes that this summer will be the summer of discipline. I want to spend a regular amount of time in the word, and I want to simply be more effective and purposeful with my time. As of three weeks in, I have not been completely successful.
A great help in this quest is my friend Pawel who has begun meeting with me once a week. I have crafted a behavior modification chart to monitor my time, and I have strengthened my resolve. Hopefully this will equate to increased discipline and increased Godliness on my part.

A part of my character on which I want to focus is my ability to listen to and love other people. Often I am distractable and disinterested when I relate with others, which communicates a hurtful message that I don't want to send. I hope to pray and work on this behavior in my daily interactions.

Jesus was a servant, and a core part of his message was the becoming of a servant to love others. I need to return to this part of my Christianity. I am so single-tracked that it is hard to focus on more than one thing at once.

Batman Begins

2005-06-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

I love this movie. Batman has always been a favorite character of mine, and this movie treated him well. The story was interesting, and the ideology of his character gave me something to think about between the action sequences. The movie explored fear and justice, and I liked how it portrayed justice as restoration instead of revenge. Batman learns that revenge is unsatisfying, and he has the power to work for good because he conquers his own fear. Our own fears are probably the number one thing that keeps us from engaging our world in a meaningful way.
The action was good as it was sleek but not overly gruesome--a comic hero movie should maintain its innocence; after all, little boys will have to see it no matter what. I feel that movies can tie into reality by being over the top with their violence or sex, by reagravating our de-sensitivities, similar to ripping off a scab to find blood. But it's artificial anyway leaves the viewer unsatisfied for some reason.
Seeing it on the imax with Kevin, Wes, and my grandparents made the whole experience terrific. The plot holes were not too gaping as to be distracting, and the only forced part was the romance with the katie holmes character. [Poor tom cruise, btw, so ignorant and misguided.] The ideas of justice and the belief that batman had in the system related to a question that my coworker from EPASA asked each of the potential EPASA directors for next year in our interview: can you change the system? Batman's answer would be yes. The villain in the movie's answer was yes, too, but not from within. Funny that the costumed vigilante would be the reformer while the martial arts spiritualist would be the radical. Batman's approach was interesting, because he did not seek to change the entire system at once, merely to fight in the right direction and maintain hope that eventually justice would win out. That kind of hope is hard to find and protect.

First Entry

2005-06-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

I hope that this will be a space for me to record some of my thoughts and reflect upon them.